i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
