do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
