im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
