Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
