In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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