My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
