it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
