He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
