accomplished twins. life is a go
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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