Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Everyone says I win the strip club
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
