and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
