it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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