worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
