Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My balls are so social today.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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