Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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