So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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