Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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