One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
