I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
