no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
