Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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