I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
