Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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