he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
