two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
be right there i have to get my cape
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
