My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
