why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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