Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
