I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
