can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
