Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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