I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
