Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
