oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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