you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
