Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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