theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
