On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
