i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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