I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Fuck appropriateness.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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