Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Oh god it's open bar.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
