she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
