6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
