better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
