Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
