were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
