omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
