i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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