Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
