New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
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Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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