that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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