Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
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I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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