If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
