I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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