I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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