i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.